If less than 100% alignment from her perspective is a deal-breaker, let the deal break. Why would you choose to spend your life with someone who has no inclination to view the world from your perspective? Or who cannot value your separateness. Read Mating in Captivity!
I've been married 13 years. Can my husband and I have a spirited debate? Absolutely. Do I feel he should adopt all my opinions? Of course not.
I once had a feeling like love at first sight with someone who I knew was unsuitable--after a couple of months of casually seeing each other I was like "hmm...do we have anything in common? nope" and walked away. Another time I was falling for a friend who I also knew was unsuitable, and spent hours sorting through my emotions before concluding we should just remain really close friends (which fell apart because he was a spectacular arsehole, but thank god I hadn't followed my infatuated feelings and tried to date him or moved in as his flatmate the way he'd suggested). Being in love and being in a relationship are two quite different things, and even in the midst of the madness of the former, you can set aside one hour a day for thinking rationally through your decisions and what position it will put you in down the line.
I'm getting married in June. When we first started dating many years ago, I was religious and my new bf was not. His politics were very progressive, mine less.
Well, life happened, and years later he has in fact embraced my religion (thanks, AA), and I have embraced his politics (thanks, Trump).
That said, at no point were we in disagreement about basic scientific tenents.
I agree with others that the specifics really matter. The standard isn't "can we get to 100% agreement on religious questions" it's "can we live with our disagreements". Do you, as a non-religious person, really want to spend 2 hours every weekend in a family church service? Does being with this person make you happy enough to do that for the rest of your life? Are you in agreement on whether or how to raise children? Do you respect her even despite her more "wild" religious beliefs - and do you think that respect will stay when the honeymoon period is over?
I have a friend who I think is illustrative here - he leans libertarian, and loves arguing about politics. He often dates progressive women, and this is fine at first, because he loves to dig into those philosophical disagreements and that is a source of long-term happiness for him. However, it's also been a source of conflict, not just for the obvious reasons, but because hashing out philosophical disagreements feels very different when you do it for the first time with a relative stranger vs the hundredth time with someone you've come to know and respect deeply. Sometimes these relationships fall apart not because either party is too closed-minded, but because those discussions can become less fun and more exhausting over time.
That being said, you don't know what will bother you 5 years in until you've been in a relationship for 5 years. Make sure you understand how this person's religion thinks of divorce before you make any big commitments eh
In my team of healthcare workers there was a member who found evolutionism fascinating and was curious to know how did others make it coexist with creationism - because that's what she grew up believing in so it must be true. I wish there was a way to breakup a team.
I feel for you Heretic. You've found a breaking point. You've got a potential partner with great chemistry, love even, but you are surrounded by deal-breakers. If I may guess, your paramour feels her hold on you is strong enough to bend your beliefs. Your letter shows that you've come close to that space-time bending love. But, I agree with Brandy, to make something like what you describe work long term, you both need a miracle.
as one of your token religious friends: if you gotta be baptized by her dad… it's a cult lol
hahaha
If less than 100% alignment from her perspective is a deal-breaker, let the deal break. Why would you choose to spend your life with someone who has no inclination to view the world from your perspective? Or who cannot value your separateness. Read Mating in Captivity!
I've been married 13 years. Can my husband and I have a spirited debate? Absolutely. Do I feel he should adopt all my opinions? Of course not.
I once had a feeling like love at first sight with someone who I knew was unsuitable--after a couple of months of casually seeing each other I was like "hmm...do we have anything in common? nope" and walked away. Another time I was falling for a friend who I also knew was unsuitable, and spent hours sorting through my emotions before concluding we should just remain really close friends (which fell apart because he was a spectacular arsehole, but thank god I hadn't followed my infatuated feelings and tried to date him or moved in as his flatmate the way he'd suggested). Being in love and being in a relationship are two quite different things, and even in the midst of the madness of the former, you can set aside one hour a day for thinking rationally through your decisions and what position it will put you in down the line.
I'm getting married in June. When we first started dating many years ago, I was religious and my new bf was not. His politics were very progressive, mine less.
Well, life happened, and years later he has in fact embraced my religion (thanks, AA), and I have embraced his politics (thanks, Trump).
That said, at no point were we in disagreement about basic scientific tenents.
I agree with others that the specifics really matter. The standard isn't "can we get to 100% agreement on religious questions" it's "can we live with our disagreements". Do you, as a non-religious person, really want to spend 2 hours every weekend in a family church service? Does being with this person make you happy enough to do that for the rest of your life? Are you in agreement on whether or how to raise children? Do you respect her even despite her more "wild" religious beliefs - and do you think that respect will stay when the honeymoon period is over?
I have a friend who I think is illustrative here - he leans libertarian, and loves arguing about politics. He often dates progressive women, and this is fine at first, because he loves to dig into those philosophical disagreements and that is a source of long-term happiness for him. However, it's also been a source of conflict, not just for the obvious reasons, but because hashing out philosophical disagreements feels very different when you do it for the first time with a relative stranger vs the hundredth time with someone you've come to know and respect deeply. Sometimes these relationships fall apart not because either party is too closed-minded, but because those discussions can become less fun and more exhausting over time.
That being said, you don't know what will bother you 5 years in until you've been in a relationship for 5 years. Make sure you understand how this person's religion thinks of divorce before you make any big commitments eh
In my team of healthcare workers there was a member who found evolutionism fascinating and was curious to know how did others make it coexist with creationism - because that's what she grew up believing in so it must be true. I wish there was a way to breakup a team.
I feel for you Heretic. You've found a breaking point. You've got a potential partner with great chemistry, love even, but you are surrounded by deal-breakers. If I may guess, your paramour feels her hold on you is strong enough to bend your beliefs. Your letter shows that you've come close to that space-time bending love. But, I agree with Brandy, to make something like what you describe work long term, you both need a miracle.