Dear Fuck-Up: How Do I Feel Worthy of My Partner?
I'm worried my self-esteem issues will ruin this relationship
Dear Fuck Up,
I am in a wonderful relationship with a person I love very deeply, and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Our relationship is wonderful in many ways, but there is one issue that I need and want to resolve.
The problem is that I feel like I’m not good enough for my partner. In relationships (especially romantic), I sort of hold myself to a certain standard in terms of being able to engage and communicate intellectually, and in previous relationships I have always felt I have met that standard or beyond. I have felt confident with what I can bring to the table, and have felt equal in the relationships. One major difference in my current relationship is that this is the first time I can’t communicate in my first language. We communicate in his first language (English), and I can sometimes feel frustrated when I can’t express myself as eloquently or effortlessly as I’d like (and as he does). I am fluent in English and do speak and write it really well, but not well enough. The language is part of the challenge, but it’s not the whole picture. He simply is better than me in so many ways. He’s smarter (intellectually and emotionally), more athletic, more outgoing and likable, and much more interesting as a person. I obviously adore him for these reasons but at the same time I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough myself, because at the end of the day he knows me and still loves and chooses me. I also want to point out that he is not making me feel this way, the opposite really. He is encouraging and gives me compliments. It’s my low self-esteem that’s the problem.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I am beyond grateful he wants the same, but I need help bringing my confidence to a level where I can let go of the feeling of inferiority and just be happy and proud to be in this relationship. How can I overcome these feelings and stop my low self-esteem from sabotaging my happiness? I don’t want to feel like I’m living in his shadow, I want to feel worthy (which I know I am) and like I’m an equal in this relationship.
Sincerely,
Wish to feel worthy
Dear Worthy,
Let me begin in a way you might find relatable, which is by comparing myself to someone else and deciding I come up short. A few months ago, Lillian Fishman gave some excellent and relevant advice on the question of inequality in love relations in her column at The Point. You should go read it, because it’s quite beautiful and better than what I can accomplish here, but also, of course, you should not go read it for exactly those reasons.
I certainly won’t be able to top this description of love, which I find both moving and correct:
It’s not because it exists between equals that love is singular, but because it makes us deliciously and maddeningly immeasurable to each other—a state in which the very question of equality is moot.
Fishman gets there via Norman Rush and Proust, but the writer who immediately came to my mind when I read your question is Iris Murdoch. I like Murdoch for lots of reasons, not least of which is her argument that the aim of love is ever-deepening knowledge, and that in fact it is only through paying loving attention that we come to grasp reality.
At first this may sound like what love does is allow you to be ruthlessly clear-sighted about your beloved, but of course this isn’t the case at all, and nobody provides a better example of that than Iris Murdoch. After all, she was famous for driving basically everyone who knew her sexually insane, despite, and I truly say this with the utmost respect, looking a little bit like a potato.
What love actually does, particularly in its erotic form, is both reveal and beguile. Which is to say, I am sure your partner is smart and outgoing and likable and interesting, but it is possible you are overestimating how much more he inhabits these qualities than anyone else you know, more than anyone you’ve dated before, because you are deeply in love with him. This is the kind of love that’s always, in my experience, a little reverential: we are always humbled, always brought beautifully, wonderfully low by it.
But for the sake of argument, let’s say your assessment of his virtues is completely accurate. He is simply that fascinating, and were I to meet him I would be forced to agree. If that’s the case, would it not make sense to assume that this intellectually and emotionally intelligent man has a good reason for wanting to spend his life with you?
External validation has had a rough few years, as a concept. We are generally meant to believe that its rewards are fleeting and empty, and that the only way we can truly come to admire ourselves is through a great deal of sustained, inward-looking work. I’m not so sure. There have been plenty of times when I’ve suffered with feelings of inadequacy, and in those moment I often reach for mercy in the knowledge that I am loved by people whose opinions I admire and respect.
Maybe you will never feel worthy of your partner, and maybe he will never feel worthy of you. A lifetime of trying, together, sounds like the work love is meant to do.
Love
A Fuck Up
So many beautiful lines in this! Also, YES, it's time to stop denying that external validation is essential to human psychological health, not some disease from which we need to cure ourselves.
Oh come on.... women like you make me want to scream. Get over it.
You're not good enough for him? Really? Because you're not fluent "enough" in English (which is, btw, one of the most difficult languages to learn) ????
Why isn't he learning your first language? If Mr. Perfect isn't willing to share the responsibility for effective communication because he's too busy being outgoing, really smart and entertaining his friends while you sit in a corner and berate yourself for not understanding all the nuances of the English (and particularly American English) language, well, the problem isn't you, it's him. Your speak two languages FFS ! (One is hard enough...) If he's such a great guy, why isn't he working on his language skills ? If he's so fabulously wonderful why doesn't he help you in a tangible way, like learning YOUR first language ?
Give me a break.... I don't buy the "I'm not good enough for him because he speaks better English than I do therefore I'm less than" crap. I don't think your insecurity stems from the language thing, something else is going on. I suggest you do some serious shadow work on yourself to get to the source of your insecurities. Because ultimately, it's not the language thing.
And if he's all you seem to think he is, he'll participate in your journey in a supportive way, like learning your first language (which, btw, you neglected to mention).
Maybe I'm harsh. Maybe I'm judgmental, but honestly, I'm just not buying your the "I'm not good enough because my English isn't nuanced enough." There's more going on here...
Just sayin'.